What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 11:44
So, i spoilt her more .
(And it was in our own minds.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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I said to her
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She married twice! .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He knew the spot.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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I was seconnd youngest,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
What are the signs of covert narcissistic abuse that most people miss?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When she asked me how she looked .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was in good health!
I waited trembling.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was 9 years of age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were not on the streets..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i lived it daily.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But, we were locked up after school.
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is soul school!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I think the readers, may guess!
Who then, do I blame.?
Comes on , in middle age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I don,t even have a pension.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She found it foreign!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She loved him until the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im still living with it.
It was going to be , some day.
All the time i was locked up.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was very sick at this time too.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was scared of men, in general
I write beautiful poetry .
My family never makes their pension either.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
What did i know ?
Ive learnt so much.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Would this be the day?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Put me off passion for life!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot live in the past .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it wasn’t much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I could never make a relationship work though!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We all went to grammer schools
Especially a lifetime of it.
So whats the point in blame.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My life is so biszare .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I will be 64.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I have no regrets .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.